Oh God I Feel Like Shit

I'm talking to my one of my best friends ex-boyfriends who's actually a girl I consider a friend's (even though she's actually psychotic in a criminal way) current boyfriend. It sucks because I get in a bad mood and nothing good matters, then I complain about them, then I feel weak and pathetic for complaining, which is what I'm doing now, so that makes me a sadist because I know it's going to upset me but I do it anyway. I don't think I'm loved really, as soon as people see the real me they freak out and leave. :( I'm upset. Does that make me a freak?